INFJ my introvert smiling self

INFJ is me. Could seem silly or meaningless, for me is freedom to be ME and understanding. Finally. Somewhere, someone saw me. That’s the feeling. Every aspect of this personality profile is me. Is me calling for understanding and acceptance. Now I know that I’m real. It’s crazy, but so empowering. I’ve been struggling all my life to hold my tongue, not to hurt someone; to divert my eyes, because sometimes I know I have a killing gaze a judging one; to be friendly when I needed so bad to shut in… I had to speak when I was feeling overwhelmed, to shut up when I needed to express myself.. So I learnt to literally walk silently, breathe with no noise and try to simply disappear whenever I felt annoying. So, I’m 40. I struggle. I mix well with other people and my friends want me to go out, but I can’t. I do want when I feel like it. If I’m stressed it’s so hard. I need my me time. No one in my life understand it. I’m not depressed, but I go close to depression if I can’t have time to regroup and accept all those feelings, other’s feelings. I gave myself to my family as I chose to do. I don’t bring money, I take care. I lost a lot, I grieve every day. My husband only knows how much I hurt. Maybe I can tell him because he doesn’t absorb it. He’s not the sensitive tipe. I’ve been badly mistreated as a kid. I had nightmares because of that. So, I wanted to give my all, all my broken self, to my chosen family. Now, my first son, next to 18, calls me a crazy, stupid person who is not useful because she doesn’t bring money and does not do enough in the house( we’re 4 and I’m the only one doing all the housework). It’s now years he pushes me. My other son is more sensitive and serene. He avoids arguments and his brother, but now I see he can keep his ground and takes no bullshit. I tried to talk, when things are calm, because arguments, and these angry ones are nightmares for me. I see my son’s bullshit. I know he’s self centered and wants only to grab. It’s sad, but true. I’m really useless to him, in his reasoning. He thinks what I do is easily covered. He hates that I see through him. So, I thought I was the problem. But I’m not the only parent and I understood that he’s crushing my personality. Finding the written words that design my inner self (is there other self to be?) has been the key. After all the tears I already feel stronger, because I have the right to be me. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I never disrespect anyone, I always give time and space. I’m always ready to comfort. So, why should I change to be loved? Another thing I’d like to learn about other introverts as I am is : how many times the people you loved and who mistreated you, come back looking for you? Always! When I have enough I had enough. For real. I don’t forget, I firgive. But I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t feel moved by your apologies, I feel betrayed. The betrayal is in breaking my trust with your selfish lies and you stepping on my heart, thinking I was too stupid beacause I wasn’t fighting back. But I was fighting all right, to keep everything together. So, this is me. Don’t come back, try to stay instead.

Have a nice sunday

Lost in the rhythm I found myself. I had to disconnect from every word, chat, expression.. turn the light off, no mobile, no greetings. I can’t stand the bullshit of saying the same empty nice things today. Because today I’m off. From you, from me and everything in between. If you don’t care enough, I don’t give a damn. My silent rebellion is this. You wouldn’t even know! Today I really don’t care. You’re worth the rock under the sun. The one with the dog shit all over. So, have a nice sunday you all!

Better off

I’d appreciate if you could just step back, and maybe turn around and keep on running.
I’d appreciate it very much, thanks indeed.
I feel so good in between, my bonding need and my lonesome time.
I do better with no big self-assured people who need their precious asses wiped and liked.
No one is first, no one is best, it’s the things we share with the world that make us worth in some way.
Keep on running while I’m singing out loud and I’m not even sure I’m tuned.

I’ll be no memory

I’ll be just a wish from a whisper.
Nothing to be told, nothing to save.
I’ll be the picture in the forgotten box.
I’ll be free, don’t you know?
No boundaries anymore,
no heart to break every now and then.
Maybe I’ll be the song in someone’s lips, to be heard.
I’d love to be a story people would read,
but I certainly know I’ll be never known.
Is there someone to be known in the end?
I can write myself in endless words,
Who will save my memories,
my most precious hopes?
So, I’m being, this easy, I am.
If I could be a dream one day,
let me please be the muse
for someone to lead.

The Circle

White pale blank faces surround me and I wonder why.
Frozen fingers search for my locks and pull with a harming strength.
I want to cry loud, but my fear shut my lungs. I’m so desperate for the some I feel dizzy. I shut my eyes and I still see them. It can’t be true, it just is impossible!
Silly childish song all around and I put my hands on my ears, but nothing changes.
They are moving fast and near, they’re so close now… I’m freezing, my teeth chattering.
Please, don’t hurt me. I can only thing to pain and death. Waiting for my life to be gone. Hopefully it will be fast and I will not suffer too much. Yes, all my wishes to come true!
As I’m lost in my thoughts I realize the song stopped.
I want to look around, but my eyes are shut and my brain seems to be the same.
I feel fresh air on my face and I see all of them.
My eyes are looking back. Shivers are running through my spine.
All those faces are mine.
I can feel the loneliness, the pain, the broken dreams and I feel ashamed ’cause I let it be.
Warm tears wet my face and all the faces around. I keep looking at them, I don’t understand what I’m expecting them to do.
I feel free. I stand up and break the circle of myselves. I don’t look back. I’m gone for good.

My soul is gone

Walking in the darkest hour my soul is gone

I try to keep looking for, is nowhere to be seen

A sparkle in others’ eyes I thought it could be

But no one is me, no one feels my heart beat

So I restless walk ’til my last drop of hope.

Between the past and the present I was born

Drowned in the deep foggy water
Missing directions to be.
Nothing is real from yesterday
everybody there is petrified.
I cut the rope between now and then
Impossible is to sew it again.
Just let it be lost and gone forever
Doesn’t metter if I’ll be remembered.
It’s me who is gone,
it’s me who was lost.
Now I’m here like a new born
from the middle of the path.

Considerations

What did you expect from someone that used to say, as a child, “I’m not angry, I’m hurt.”?
Yes, it’s me a grown up messed up.

The meeting

I know what I feel,
I’m not sure about who I am,
’cause I’ll need a life
to meet myself.
I’m waiting for the day.
Just wishing not
to be disappointed
too much.

My only self

As I thought I fall
falling is easy
failing is for sure
I waited for too long
I can’t show
I fall but nobody
knows nobody
what a goal!
You can’t teach me
’cause you ain’t me
But I can play
the movie you like
the life you live
every step you see.
I’m a failure
and you’ll be
just the same
you’ve Always been.
I can’t throw myself
in the dustbin
I can’t start
everything again:
I’m only trying
to not lose
myonlyself.